The Death of Me.

September 15, 2014

Today, with intention I sip, knowing that openings will present themselves as I drink the sacred cacao as it absorbs in my body. What surfaces is joy, bliss and knowing along with revelations on what is meant to be seen and healed in this present moment. They say this precious plant medicine will open you up and bring you to the door, but it’s up to you to walk through it or not. I was ready to break on through to the other side.

A deep discovery that begs forgiveness.

Puzzle pieces placing themselves together effortlessly in my heart and mind. A past life memory arriving in present time asking, “Do you still love me, even though I took your life?” I sit, in deep love and compassion and say, “Yes, I forgive you and love you always. I did then, and I do now.” The heart never forgets and love never dies. Releasing wounds and stories from our past, in this life and others opens up gates of expansion for deeper love of self and others.

I grieve.

Deep sobs.

Heart busting out of my flesh as I feel what happened then and now. My eyes have become waterfalls of purification in an unplanned baptism of my inner truths gushing out of me. He killed me in another life out of jealously because of a close relationship I had with a woman. It began to make so much sense to me and how it was playing out now.

I will never forget the day I read his words for the first time:

“From the glass door I watch.

The lightning crashes and thunder roars all around while I stand protected by this thin piece of fired sand. I want to step out into the darkness, to feel nature’s fury and take a chance that this life is not yet done with me. I want to leave this place where I feel secure and protected to venture the wild unknown—to get that sense of freedom and knowing that I’m alive.

The voice calls and beckons me to step outside. A bolt sears through the sky illuminating what cannot be seen in the darkness. I can see the highlights of the trees in front of this door as the thunder asks for my answer. I raise my hand to the glass and can see the outline of my hand reflected as if a part of me is outside trying to get in. Is the other me frightened? It the other me asking me to protect him? Or is he asking me to come with him, to venture into the great unknown where the only certainty is uncertainty? Whichever, I stand alone looking at myself in the glass unsure of the steps I’m about to take. I am here, now…not there, then. The reflection of the self I see disappears with each flash of light as the self I wish to be beckons, knowing that whether I’m here or there I am seeking that call of the wild I have heard since the day I was born.

I look around in my box, this place I have built for myself that somehow feels safe. As the storm rages out there I see the beginnings of truth. This box is painful. Each piece of timber laid, each window set, each nail driven a testament to pain. In pain I sought relief—I sought security and I built this place to give me a sense of that. Yet, in a storm such as this we begin to see that each piece of timber, each nail and each shard of broken glass is a weapon against us in the winds of time. Each link of the chain we wrap around ourselves becomes a testament to a lie, and we begin to strangle the very thing we want to be. We weigh ourselves down with a false sense of everything, never knowing what we are because of the boxes and chains we have forced ourselves into. I cannot play in the rain if I’m chained to this place. I cannot see the stars with this roof blocking my view. 

I cannot see the world from the summit of a mountain if I keep myself locked behind these doors. Somehow the wind, rain, lightening and thunder don’t seem as dangerous as this place that’s giving me the illusion of peace and safety. Dying free is better than living under the burden of these things. I want to be free and enjoy this lightness of being. I want to dance in her arms with the rain drenching us. I want to hear her song in the wind, feel her power in the natural state we are in. I need to break free if I’m ever going to get those things I want the most—those things I see when my mind is still and my heart is open. I need to shatter the glass door so the storm can envelope all of this. So that I can never return here. I pick up the hammer I have used so many times before in building this place. It brings back memories I don’t wish to have. I stare at it, wondering where I ever found such a tool, and can’t remember when I ever picked it up. I don’t want it anymore. It needs to be lost in the storm. I look around and smile.

I can’t wait to be free of this place and walking into the unknown. I walk up to the door. I feel a sense of trepidation and relief mixed together in this moment. Soon I will be without shelter. Or will it be the sky is my roof? I chuckle at the thought, somehow knowing… I believe I will have to dodge the wreckage of my illusions, the debris of my mind as it is consumed by out there. I look up, seeing the other me slowly raise the hammer with a look of fear in his eyes and determination in his grip. He hurls the hammer both toward me and away from me at the same time.

I hear the sounds of glass shattering along with the rush of wind and crack of thunder. One of us ceases to be in that moment of great liberation. I am free as the orange tinted clouds betray the dawning of a new day on the horizon. I cry, I laugh, and I dance… I am born.” – Sam Vega

I knew once I read these words, my life would be forever changed. His heart pulled me in like a magnet and I knew that I needed to follow this force if I was going to free myself. I remember when our eyes met for the first time. It was like reuniting with a long lost friend. The room went black and as we embraced I said, “Here I am.”

He replied with a tear in his eye, “You made it.”

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” -C.G.Jung

He walked with me for sometime, showing me vistas and challenging terrain. We loved, we fought and we would always return in love. He came back each time to show me a deeper part of myself.

He came back to save my life.

A revelation and redemption as I was discovering myself again. He pushed me and I let him. I was not a victim in my death, I asked for it. He came back to show me what I am made of and what I deserve in this life. The jealously he felt then, was symbolic of the power I held within.

He came back to crack me open.

He came back to set me free.

He watched me fight for the liberation of me.

I faced death again,

Only so I could live.

To my future partner

I came into this world alone and I will leave it alone, but in between I have been re-writing my happily ever after. It’s not a destination I seek, it’s here and now. I do not need anything or anyone to complete me for I was born beautifully whole. I have walked this earth, I’ve been battered and bruised. I’ve been held in love and held in lies. I have inhaled the grand vistas, walked through the dense jungles, swam the depths of the ocean and found my way through the darkness of night.

I am a warrior.

Yes, I have scars on my flesh and in my heart, but they are not who I am. They are stories, lessons and reminders that have brought me to present moment. They have shown me how far I have traveled.

I will not be defeated by illusion, for I know there is so much more to this existence I see.

I see beyond the stars.

I hear whispers in the wind as she blows through me.

I see reflections in the pools of the eyes that meet mine
And visions that flash in my consciousness.

I talk to nature.

I honor the sun and the moon.

I celebrate fire and rest by the waters edge.

I feel life with ever fiber of my being.

I have eyes of a tiger

And wings of an angel.

My senses are strong, so come in truth with your naked soul. In your vulnerability there is strength beyond measure. I warn you, I am all fire and if you hold back an inch you will burn. We have had heart break. I celebrate it. I realize it has broken me open to the vastness of this existence.

If your heart is closed or you live in fear, I suggest you don’t tread here.

There have been those that have claimed to love me, and I loved them deeply as I welcomed them inside my heart and the flesh of my existence. When I love, I love; it is limitless and never ends. I have had amazing experiences while levitating off my bed and astral-cosmic connections that where out of this world. But I desire that dedicated partner, here and now, in present time to team up and support each other in all our endeavors; healing humanity and living a passionate existence in all ways. A partner where we rock this world together inside and outside of our lovers embrace.

I travel well alone, however, in union there is strength.

I am not easily defined, or caged to one spot.

I like to explore the depths of this world and discover and uncover all that we are.

I am kind, I am tender, I am loyal

And I am fierce.

Love lives here.

You will find me

When you are ready to

Rock

This

World.

Love Lives Here

The moment I read your words, I felt your soul.

It called me.

It moved me so deeply as they were written just for me.

This was the beginning of the liberation of me.

I did not know where I was going but I knew that I needed to fly.

I was not meant for the cage of the existence I was living. I knew there was more. My heart was hungry and the fire that was slowly fading became a raging wild fire. It burned through the lies and ignited the truth and showed me the way, to me, through you. How could you not feel my soul when it guided me to you?

You saw the flames and knew there was no stopping the destruction but you also knew that you had to let me burn, face my fears, my demons and the ghosts that heckled me in the night. You walked me to it, and I thought I may have lost you in the fire, until I saw you through the dense smoke on the other side. You never left me, even when I thought you were gone forever.

How come you still can’t feel my soul?

Maybe you still have guards at the gate.

You love me, but won’t let me in, even though I have let you in time and time again.

You have come to me in rage, you have come to me in love and you have shown your face in my dreams in fear when I felt you gasping for air. I had every intention of letting you go, yet you reappear. I will not force a souls journey. I will not augment the lessons. I will continue to travel with the gifts and beautiful memories in my heart and know that even through the barriers of your heart and mind…

Love lives here.

I wonder if you feel the waves calling you to the sea, as the birds taunt you to fly.

You wish for the depth as you look at the skies. You want to swim as much as you want to fly.

Until the flood gates open, the waves of love crash on the doors of your heart.

On the other side you will see that there is no sky, there is no sea.

There is only you and only me.

Open Up, Let It Out

A few weeks ago I asked a friend about vulnerability — to be able to live in honesty and truth of your life, boundaries, emotions, to push past fear. It’s frightening to live with your heart fully exposed and be honest with yourself and others. I cannot bottle things up. I have discovered that when I do, I become stressed, angry or sick, I am not my best or true self.

Too many people keep things behind locked doors in their heart, consciously or subconsciously and it causes a whole host of problems. Our physical, mental, emotional bodies are all part of our energetic structure as living human organisms. When out of balance, separated or blocked we enter into a state of dis-ease.

We need to honor ourselves, and our emotions. I wanted to share a vulnerable moment with you. These emotions will pass like the clouds in the sky, when the rain falls it will offer cleansing and clarity and healing begins. A new dawn arrives with new awareness, lessons and strength to keep moving forward. We never know the entire story or journey of another soul, but as connected creatures, we are not alone.

We all have hearts, heart breaks and fears. What I know is that our heart is meant to break open fully to expand us to all the possibilities that await us in this lifetime and there is truly nothing to fear. Much Love.

:: Holistic DIVA UNPLUGGED ::

It’s happening. I knew it was coming, the release of tears, the letting go, the pain, sadness and disappointment that has been infecting my soul.

Please leave, I don’t want you here anymore.

I can’t stop loving people, but I want this to leave my body, my mind.

The love will never leave my heart.

I wish I could hold them and kiss them one more time, but that chance I had to do so I was turned away. I know it’s not “me” they turned away, but it still hurts, tears still fall. I kneel in this puddle hoping to be cleansed and renewed.

God dammit… it hurts.

Please release me.

Release me now.

The time is over, contract up.

I want to be free from this fucking sadness, from the toxic lies and manipulation. I sit, soaked, misunderstood and will love in silence.

In silence, I find the love that is mine.

The love that is me.

Love is the Way

Life shows us what we need to see as a gift to open and expand our hearts and minds. Last night, offered me amazing gifts.

I will not live in a man-made prison.

Fear is a killer.

Stress is a killer.

Resentment is a killer.

We are born to be who we are.

Denying our purpose is a killer.

I do not fear death.

I fear a life not lived in the ocean of love and freedom.

People live in fear of so many things, afraid that life will crush them is they open their tender hearts to wide and experience the vastness of this amazing experience we call life.

Crush me open, even more, again and again, so I do not suffer the torment I witnessed last night.

Compassion is key.

Kindness is key.

Forgiveness is freedom.

Love is the way.

love.life.now.

It’s gone in a blink.

A Mystery

There is something about eye recognition

A soul resonance

The memory of a voice

And a gentle touch that reminds me

Of something so beautiful.

The remembrance

And the mystery.

The known

And the unknown

Yet when the eyes connect

And the energy ignites

You know

You have been in this space before.

I am captivated by the unknown

A fire of curiosity

And those eyes

I have seen before.

Where I have seen them before

Remains

A Mystery.

Love Lessons

It feels strange to be writing a thank you note to some that will not see it and to the many that I could not possibly address individually. I sit in awe and gratitude as I can see how everyone and experience has been such an intricate part of my current existence and growth. There is gratitude for family and friends for their love and support during all of my ups and downs. For the kind strangers that pass on by or the ones that stay awhile; there are gifts in every exchange. For the angry beasts and the creatures that sting, I thank them all.

Tonight I want to thank some of the men that have crossed my path and have made a significant impact on opening my eyes, heart and soul and have been part of an empowerment process and realignment. I would thank them each individually and in some cases I have, but this is truly significant to the evolution of me.

I have stated many times that every relationship we have is a love lesson. Whether it be with a relative, friend, stranger or lover, but most importantly with ourselves.

I thank my father, for being part of my creation, even though we have not been close, I know he has loved me in his way. I expected more from him and did not understand for the longest time why he could not be what I wanted. They say you pick your parents and I have begun to discover why I picked this man as my father. I have learned acceptance, compassion and that love is alive even in distance.

I am grateful for a man who spent half his life and created two earth angels with me. At a cross roads he said to me, “You deserve to be happy. I can’t hold you back and I will always be here for you.” He taught me that even great change and letting go of great plans, love still lives, even when it changes form.

I am grateful for an old friend, that woke me up with one question that forever changed my life. He walked me to the fire and watched me walk through it. I learned that once a person touches your heart, they are always with you. Love never dies.

I am grateful for a stranger that became a profound teacher and friend, who challenged me like no other, broke me wide open to see who I really am. He held a sacred space for me to fight my demons, break old patterns, unlock the chains and find the power within myself again. He brought me to the edge and taunted me to fly.

I am grateful for an international journey, discussions over tea, adventures in a black cab, long talks through the forest and a tenderness and passion I have never known. He showed me the stars, limitless possibilities and encouraged me to travel where I needed to go.

Thank you, my loves, for all the lessons that brought me back home.

We all have our journeys unique to us.

Our love lessons are what we need to grow deep in love with the individual expression that we are.

My wish is that we all find love in each breath we take

In the arms that we hold

And the ones we let go.

In the end it’s about us.

The love that we are and share.

Sharing and giving with no expectations,

Holding on to nothing but an eternal memory of endless love.

 

more to life

Sometimes, it’s beautiful to see a beloved sleeping, however,

There is a sadness when you see them sleep walking through the world.

They sleep through their pain; keep it hidden in the darkness,

Drown it in the denial of the existence they are living.

There is a false bravado of happiness that echos in the laughter

When the tears want to flow and the screams want to escape through the walls they have built up.

They have that inner voice and that sense of wanting more from life.

They are afraid to shed their layers, afraid to share their true voice and expose their tender heart.

I can see the longing

The yearning for more.

I feel your pain

And I see the infection of fear

That runs through your veins.

I want to kiss you awake.

I love them.

I love him

But I have to let them all go.

They have their own journey of discovery.

So, I left him sleeping, in a peaceful unrest.

I blew a kiss good bye with tears in my eyes

In the hopes someday,

All hearts

Will hear the call

Tear down the walls

And know…

That there is so much more to this life.

Love In The Moment

It’s so wild.

I swear, even in the struggles and chaos, this multidimensional existence is just breathtaking.

There is so much love everywhere.

Connecting with kindred souls and strangers that become lovers at first glance.

I am one grateful diva for the amazing experiences and magic I see all around me.

To be awake and observe how people and experiences come into your life to help you grow and expand.

You know that first glance, when their eyes just dive into the essence of your being?

The silent seduction that comes out of the blue?

And

Brings

You

To

Your

Knees.

You are on an adventure

To make love in each moment.

A glance.

A kiss.

A whisper

That penetrates the veil of human existence.

Holy Mother of God.

More please.