- bounce back through the air after hitting a hard surface or object.
I’m on the rebound.
I have been hitting a lot of hard spots over the past few years but amazingly I am still breathing and here to share it with you. I had been living the life I always thought I wanted but there was still a void, something was not quite right. I still felt the cool air flow through the holes in my heart, although I counted my blessings each day. Then an old friend came to visit. We were catching up over lost time as we had not seen each other in 20 years and with one question changed my life.
“Are you happy?”
I was surprised at his question as much as I was surprised at my answer.
With tears flowing down my face I said, “Well, yeah… no.”
I could not lie to him if I tried. He knew the answer before he even asked the question.
We sat and talked for a while more, enjoy the weekend and then he returned home.
I had been reflecting on that visit and his question for sometime. Why wasn’t I happy? I had a beautiful home, an adoring husband and two beautiful kids. There were numerous issues in my marriage along with being an exhausted mom of two. This would not leave me alone. At the time, my husband and I would talk and agree to work on things, but it soon became a one-sided restorative dance; too much damage had been done and it was clear that although we cared for each other it was time to make a change. It was time to Re-write my happily ever after.
This was a hard hit. A reality that had been denied for far too long. One may think that living a life of security and stability means comfort and happiness; not necessarily. It wears on your soul until you don’t know who you are or what they heck you are doing. There is so much more if you follow the truth inside your heart. I am here to tell you it is not easy, many others have been though it, but it will be worth it.
I feel like a ball rebounding and as I keep hitting hard surfaces and bouncing back, I am being scraped to the core. The core of who I am.
Life has a way of making you drop down to your knees
But your cast of characters find their way into your story just when you need
To remind you and to bind you to the path that you already see
And that thin little veil disappears and melts into you and me. – Bob Sima
Thankfully, I have a dear friend and confidant that has been on a similar journey and I felt completely safe and loved no matter what I said or did as I went through this process of transformation. There is an unspeakable bond that words cannot describe or define. It’s challenging to face the truth of who you are and what you desire when you have been collecting costumes and playing dress up all your life. It’s scary to follow this uncharted path, but one you know is the right one for you. I began to feel again. I was no longer numb to my existence. I was feeling every emotion and cell of my being and in a safe place.
I was also being challenged like I had never been challenged before and within that many words of wisdom that passed his lips. Normally I would tell anyone else where to go, but with him, I was able to receive it. This was a turning point for me and very emotional one at that. Instead of stuffing it all down again or ignoring it I decided to face it, and it wasn’t without some kicking and screaming.
One night he said, “It seems to me that you are afraid to admit you have issues, when of course you do, we all do. You are like the proverbial Jesus, able to heal the world but can’t save yourself. For the love of all that is, Casey, heal yourself!” I started crying, I hated to admit it, he was right. “But where do I begin?” I replied. He said, “You just did.”
I have been thinking about this and our experiences. I started to notice similar emotional patterns and reactions starting to sprout. This is where the answers lie. This is where the wounds are, this is what is preventing me from my full on healing. I needed to get to it, to change the patterns for me and for my children. Unfortunately there is not an easy button for healing. Some wounds run deep. Finally, I accepted they are there, I know now how they got there and I am determined to change the patterns.
It’s quite an experience when someone can see and feel your soul, know your hurts and wounds before you can see it for yourself. It’s remarkable to have that person take the time to walk you to it, but not walk you through it. You have to walk through the fire and do that work on your own. Many people look or wait for someone to save them, when the truth is you can only save yourself. I have also discovered something I have never experienced before. A pure love beyond compare, one that is dedicated to soul growth. It’s not selfish, it’s free flowing and one that will not give up on you even when you want to give up on yourself. It’s only when you have that love for yourself that you can offer that to another.
Love is not a fantasy, romance, the candles or flowers, (I don’t mind those things) it’s the dedication to find the love within.
It’s time to bounce back from swimming in that dark hole, change all the self-limiting patterns, remove the self-doubt and save yourself!
You are so worth it.
It’s time to Shine.
Music by http://www.bobsima.com