Relationships are lessons of love.
I have been blessed to have had a supportive and selfless partner. Undefined, unlabeled, semi-private, unordinary, deeply connected. It’s been an interesting dance as sometimes the mirror triggers as much as they reflect the deep compassionate love that exists.
We are both givers, learning how to receive, learning trust, patience and acceptance. We are similar in many ways, but also have our differences and attributes that make us unique. I am more extroverted, he is more introverted. We are a walking, talking yin and yang. He has his life, I have mine and we have us.
Recently I felt him go into his cave. No notice, no explanation, no heads up. This is not something I am familiar with and triggered ever insecurity and irrational thought I have ever had in my life. I literally went into a tail spin. I was oscillating from attempting to be understanding to not understanding and finding myself in a full on rage. Trying my best not to take it personal. But my GOD it felt personal to me. I was looking for signposts to prove my current thought process and realized I was in the middle of cycling out old stories and energies.
Something was up for both of us for healing.
He has done nothing but support me through every hill and valley. He has held space for me like a boss, when I thought for sure he was going to write me off. He was still standing every single time telling me, “I am here, this will pass…” I have never in my life experienced a presence like this.
Meanwhile in the man cave, he popped up for air once in awhile to say, ” I am still processing, I will be back soon.”
It’s been one of the most uncomfortable places in my life, but it has also been a gift. I went to some of my closest friends to vent and gleen some insight, something as I felt like I was in the twilight zone. I had two schools of thought running, but when I calmed down and tuned in I could feel the truth.
After talking to a close friend that gives it to me straight every single time, I just sat and sighed with tears rolling down my face. I really had to check myself and I had a realization that was not so fun to have either.
I was being selfish.
I picked myself up and dropped down into my heart and wrote him this note.
I feel like I have failed you.
You already know that this is extremely difficult for me, however, I am a resilient spirit. This is completely foreign to me. I do love and respect you and your needs as hard as it is for me not to feel connected or engaged with you.
I will honor your request for as long as you need.
I am feeling the intensity of all the feels, but not letting it cloud my deep gratitude and appreciation I have for you and everything we have experienced together, for all the times you have been there for me, supported me and held space for me, for the smiles, the laughter, the love and the passionate union and everything we have co-created. This has been a healing journey and not without struggle and pain, but I am grateful I have had you with me, because you have shown me love. It may not be what I thought it would look like, but a pure sweet unconditional love. I have to remember this is all happening for a greater purpose and it’s a wild fucking ride.
I needed some perspective, I wanted to understand so I could be in a better place to support you. I talked with a close friend of mine. And he pretty much smacked me in the face when he said:
” I think you don’t love him as much as he loves you, and that you love your pain body more than him. I think you need to evaluate that completely, and focus on whatever light this wound has allowed to shine. He needed silence, you gave him noise. He needed distance, you gave him anger. He needed to go inward, you forced him outward. “
My heart sank and I am sorry. I have been selfish about all my needs not being met and I could not offer you this…initially.
My lessons have been patience, trust and acceptance.
Sending love + support.
We are all different creatures with different needs and processes. To love someone is to love them fully where they are. You have to feel them, and love them, embrace them where they are without judgment. Communication of needs is vital. Taking care of yourself is vital. Taking time to connect with just yourself is vital. Honoring each other and trusting is vital and accepting each moment, whatever it is, as a gift.
Now it’s my turn to hold space for this amazing being and I will and I am with love.