I remember years ago laying in bed thinking, something is just not right. I have done everything I am suppose to do, but this does not feel right. There was a division in our bed, in our heart and soul. I had been with my husband for nearly 20 years we had two beautiful children, yet there were struggles, addictions and lies. I loved this man. I thought we were creating the life we wanted; however the disconnect and shadows were emerging showing us that we were not truly living our truths. I knew there was work to do, individually and together if we were going to make it work. I was angry, thinking how can this happen? I have done everything to be a good girl, woman, wife, mother lover is suppose to do. I was the fixer, the giver, the rescuer. I had to be in control and have everything “in order” because that is where I felt safe; however that was an illusion, story and pattern the emerged from my experience as a little girl.
The truth is I did not trust the Masculine.
The truth is I had to let go of everything.
I had to allow everything to fall apart, including myself to see what was trying to present itself.
I did not grow up with a father, all my loves left me and later was raped that stunted my life force, creativity and growth. I wore my warrior goddess armor proudly. I had been through hell and back. I was open, caring and compassionate, yet extremely guarded. A beautiful paradox in many ways. I was constantly reliving the abandonment story. This story is ripe in all of us in some form or another. I needed and so desperately wanted to re-connect with myself. As soon as I set that intention, the energy started coming back and life started rearranging. I connected with a man that I knew would change my life. I was not sure how, but the force I felt I knew I needed to follow it.
I remember laying in bed with my husband as we were working our way through the early stages of our transition and he said, “I know he reaches your soul where I cannot not. I don’t know if I ever can. You do what you need to do and know I love you and will always be here for you.”
Deep down I knew that was the truth.
And that truth was Love.
2012 as you know was the end of the world; however, not how many people were perceiving it. It was a turning point to assist people into alignment with their truest selves. To come face to face with their demons, to learn to love and accept themselves. To unite and reconcile within. Yet it was never a guarantee that it would be an easy road. It’s been about peeling away layers of conditioning and what we have been “taught” is right and acceptable. It’s about coming back and trusting yourself. In trusting yourself, you have to see that everything is happening for you. Everything is a gift, even if it does not feel that way at the time.
I had spent years healing from my rape, physically, mentally and emotionally. I am resilient and bounce back quickly. I have been reflecting on how all of us have experienced a violation of our spirit in some form. I soon realized that this “other man” wasn’t just another man, he was a messenger, playing a very important role for me. I have also come to see that the relationships I have had with the masculine are a reflection of the the inner healing of my masculine principal. As we have heard, seen, felt the rise in the feminine, we must not forget our counterpart. He has to heal too as he has been conditioned to be something other than his true self. This is happening within every soul, this is happening on the individual and collective level.
The moment we met was magnetic. He said, “You made it” and those words had a deeper meaning we both understood at some level. He held me for what seemed like eternity and then we sat and talked. We were at a event listening to stories about how to bring awareness to sex trafficking. Ironic right? No. All on purpose. Later, at his place we stayed up late talking and then at some point he kissed me. I felt my entire energy field rearrange. We made out on his couch for hours, completely natural and free. I told him I was not ready to surrender fully and he said he knew and understood. This was a first layer of healing for me.
Part of me was renewed.
The most intimate parts of myself were coming back.
I have always been connected to my sexuality, my creative life force, yet over the years it was caged. I had frustrations in my love life because the energy was not fully matched or align. All a reflection of my inner dynamics, my inner relationship. This is when my Inner Alchemy began.
We will call my lover Sam.
Sam and I had a very tumultuous dance. Yet as I reflect many years later, we were working things out within ourselves with each other. We were traveling the heights and the depths, undoing old stories and conditioning. There were lots of fights, tears and tantrums and lots of lovemaking. It was all love making. We were in the ring, gloves off, throwing punches only to smack us both into a deeper awareness of what was playing out, what was wanting to have it’s way, what we needed to see in ourselves to live our deepest truths and live in love and freedom.
One day, we spent hours, nearly all day in night in union. It was the most magnificent dance of erotic love I have ever experienced. At one point he said, “Get on top of me, I want you to ride me baby.” As soon as I straddled him and received him in, there was another shift in me. I was completely open. All my energy centers spontaneously opened. The flood gates opened and I was free, riding my stallion into eternity. The feminine was wild and free and the masculine was strong and present witnessing the emergence of a woman that was enslaved. This was the sacrament of communion where the embodiment of the masculine and feminine principals in harmony and union, expressing and creating worlds together.
We think of Intimacy as being sexual, but it is so much more than that. It’s looking inside and connecting with yourself. All parts of yourself, the light, the shadow, the masculine, the feminine the heaven (higher consciousness) and Earth (our grounded presence). At some level, I think Sam knew exactly what is purpose was with me. He always had that look in his eye. He could see right through me and most people do not. He reminded me (over and over) that I am beautiful, I am wild, I am free. He reminded me that my sexuality is sacred and that it should be honored and respected. That when souls are in alignment it brings forth deep healing and higher awareness and liberation.
Sam challenged me and he did so in love. I did not always see it that way. He wanted me to challenged my beliefs, and reflect on my stories and patterns and see where there was a loop, see where I could step out and become my most authentic self. He constantly encouraged me to fly. He encouraged me to write. He knew I was scared. He knew that I had lost trust, but everything he did was so I could trust myself again. So I could restore an element in myself that had been in hiding for so long. As I began to trust the masculine in me again, my feminine became stronger. The inner relationship began to blossom.
After awhile our journeys shifted, yet we have remained connected in love.
There is an Inner Alchemy going on within each of us. All of our souls are playing roles to assist us with our own personal transformation. Do not look outside, if you do, look with a reflective lens. All of your answers are within. We have many messengers along the way, don’t ignore them. If you do, they will come back louder until to reconcile fully with yourself.
Wild + Free.