Wild + Free

I remember years ago laying in bed thinking, something is just not right. I have done everything I am suppose to do, but this does not feel right. There was a division in our bed, in our heart and soul. I had been with my husband for nearly 20 years we had two beautiful children, yet there were struggles, addictions and lies. I loved this man. I thought we were creating the life we wanted; however the disconnect and shadows were emerging showing us that we were not truly living our truths. I knew there was work to do, individually and together if we were going to make it work. I was angry, thinking how can this happen? I have done everything to be a good girl, woman, wife, mother lover is suppose to do. I was the fixer, the giver, the rescuer. I had to be in control and have everything “in order” because that is where I felt safe; however that was an illusion, story and pattern the emerged from my experience as a little girl.

The truth is I did not trust the Masculine.

The truth is I had to let go of everything.

I had to allow everything to fall apart, including myself to see what was trying to present itself.

I did not grow up with a father, all my loves left me and later was raped that stunted my life force, creativity and growth. I wore my warrior goddess armor proudly. I had been through hell and back. I was open, caring and compassionate, yet extremely guarded. A beautiful paradox in many ways. I was constantly reliving the abandonment story. This story is ripe in all of us in some form or another. I needed and so desperately wanted to re-connect with myself. As soon as I set that intention, the energy started coming back and life started rearranging. I connected with a man that I knew would change my life. I was not sure how, but the force I felt I knew I needed to follow it.

I remember laying in bed with my husband as we were working our way through the early stages of our transition and he said, “I know he reaches your soul where I cannot not. I don’t know if I ever can. You do what you need to do and know I love you and will always be here for you.”

Deep down I knew that was the truth.

And that truth was Love.

2012 as you know was the end of the world; however, not how many people were perceiving it. It was a turning point to assist people into alignment with their truest selves. To come face to face with their demons, to learn to love and accept themselves. To unite and reconcile within. Yet it was never a guarantee that it would be an easy road. It’s been about peeling away layers of conditioning and what we have been “taught” is right and acceptable. It’s about coming back and trusting yourself. In trusting yourself, you have to see that everything is happening for you. Everything is a gift, even if it does not feel that way at the time.

I had spent years healing from my rape, physically, mentally and emotionally. I am resilient and bounce back quickly. I have been reflecting on how all of us have experienced a violation of our spirit in some form. I soon realized that this “other man” wasn’t just another man, he was a messenger, playing a very important role for me. I have also come to see that the relationships I have had with the masculine are a reflection of the the inner healing of my masculine principal. As we have heard, seen, felt the rise in the feminine, we must not forget our counterpart. He has to heal too as he has been conditioned to be something other than his true self. This is happening within every soul, this is happening on the individual and collective level.

The moment we met was magnetic. He said, “You made it” and those words had a deeper meaning we both understood at some level. He held me for what seemed like eternity and then we sat and talked. We were at a event listening to stories about how to bring awareness to sex trafficking. Ironic right? No. All on purpose. Later, at his place we stayed up late talking and then at some point he kissed me. I felt my entire energy field rearrange. We made out on his couch for hours, completely natural and free. I told him I was not ready to surrender fully and he said he knew and understood. This was a first layer of healing for me.

Presence.

Listening.

Safety.

Respect.

Part of me was renewed.

The most intimate parts of myself were coming back.

I have always been connected to my sexuality, my creative life force, yet over the years it was caged. I had frustrations in my love life because the energy was not fully matched or align. All a reflection of my inner dynamics, my inner relationship. This is when my Inner Alchemy began.

We will call my lover Sam.

Sam and I had a very tumultuous dance. Yet as I reflect many years later, we were working things out within ourselves with each other. We were traveling the heights and the depths, undoing old stories and conditioning. There were lots of fights, tears and tantrums and lots of lovemaking. It was all love making. We were in the ring, gloves off, throwing punches only to smack us both into a deeper awareness of what was playing out, what was wanting to have it’s way, what we needed to see in ourselves to live our deepest truths and live in love and freedom.

One day, we spent hours, nearly all day in night in union. It was the most magnificent dance of erotic love I have ever experienced. At one point he said, “Get on top of me, I want you to ride me baby.” As soon as I straddled him and received him in, there was another shift in me. I was completely open. All my energy centers spontaneously opened. The flood gates opened and I was free, riding my stallion into eternity. The feminine was wild and free and the masculine was strong and present witnessing the emergence of a woman that was enslaved. This was the sacrament of communion where the embodiment of the masculine and feminine principals in harmony and union, expressing and creating worlds together.

We think of Intimacy as being sexual, but it is so much more than that. It’s looking inside and connecting with yourself. All parts of yourself, the light, the shadow, the masculine, the feminine the heaven (higher consciousness) and Earth (our grounded presence). At some level, I think Sam knew exactly what is purpose was with me. He always had that look in his eye. He could see right through me and most people do not. He reminded me (over and over) that I am beautiful, I am wild, I am free. He reminded me that my sexuality is sacred and that it should be honored and respected. That when souls are in alignment it brings forth deep healing and higher awareness and liberation.

Sam challenged me and he did so in love. I did not always see it that way. He wanted me to challenged my beliefs, and reflect on my stories and patterns and see where there was a loop, see where I could step out and become my most authentic self. He constantly encouraged me to fly. He encouraged me to write. He knew I was scared. He knew that I had lost trust, but everything he did was so I could trust myself again. So I could restore an element in myself that had been in hiding for so long. As I began to trust the masculine in me again, my feminine became stronger. The inner relationship began to blossom.

After awhile our journeys shifted, yet we have remained connected in love.

There is an Inner Alchemy going on within each of us. All of our souls are playing roles to assist us with our own personal transformation. Do not look outside, if you do, look with a reflective lens. All of your answers are within. We have many messengers along the way, don’t ignore them. If you do, they will come back louder until to reconcile fully with yourself.

Be Free.

Wild + Free.

 

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The Gift of Space

Relationships are lessons of love. 

I have been blessed to have had a supportive and selfless partner. Undefined, unlabeled, semi-private, unordinary, deeply connected. It’s been an interesting dance as sometimes the mirror triggers as much as they reflect the deep compassionate love that exists.

We are both givers,  learning how to receive, learning trust, patience and acceptance. We are similar in many ways, but also have our differences and attributes that make us unique. I am more extroverted, he is more introverted. We are a walking, talking yin and yang. He has his life, I have mine and we have us.

Recently I felt him go into his cave. No notice, no explanation, no heads up. This is not something I am familiar with and triggered ever insecurity and irrational thought I have ever had in my life. I literally went into a tail spin. I was oscillating from attempting to be understanding to not understanding and finding myself in a full on rage. Trying my best not to take it personal.  But my GOD it felt personal to me. I was looking for signposts to prove my current thought process and realized I was in the middle of cycling out old stories and energies.

Something was up for both of us for healing.

He has done nothing but support me through every hill and valley. He has held space for me like a boss, when I thought for sure he was going to write me off. He was still standing every single time telling me, “I am here, this will pass…” I have never in my life experienced a presence like this.

Meanwhile in the man cave, he popped up for air once in awhile to say, ” I am still processing, I will be back soon.”

It’s been one of the most uncomfortable places in my life, but it has also been a gift. I went to some of my closest friends to vent and gleen some insight, something as I felt like I was in the twilight zone. I had two schools of thought running, but when I calmed down and tuned in I could feel the truth.

After talking to a close friend that gives it to me straight every single time, I just sat and sighed with tears rolling down my face. I really had to check myself and I had a realization that was not so fun to have either.

I was being selfish.

I picked myself up and dropped down into my heart and wrote him this note.

Love,
I feel like I have failed you.
You already know that this is extremely difficult for me, however, I am a resilient spirit. This is completely foreign to me. I do love and respect you and your needs as hard as it is for me not to feel connected or engaged with you.

I will honor your request for as long as you need.

I am feeling the intensity of all the feels, but not letting it cloud my deep gratitude and appreciation I have for you and everything we have experienced together, for all the times you have been there for me, supported me and held space for me, for the smiles, the laughter, the love and the passionate union and everything we have co-created. This has been a healing journey and not without struggle and pain, but I am grateful I have had you with me, because you have shown me love. It may not be what I thought it would look like, but a pure sweet unconditional love. I have to remember this is all happening for a greater purpose and it’s a wild fucking ride.

I needed some perspective, I wanted to understand so I could be in a better place to support you. I talked with a close friend of mine. And he pretty much smacked me in the face  when he said:

” I think you don’t love him as much as he loves you, and that you love your pain body more than him. I think you need to evaluate that completely, and focus on whatever light this wound has allowed to shine. He needed silence, you gave him noise. He needed distance, you gave him anger. He needed to go inward, you forced him outward. “

My heart sank and I am sorry. I have been selfish about all my needs not being met and I could not offer you this…initially.

My lessons have been patience, trust and acceptance.

Forgive me.

Sending love + support.

We are all different creatures with different needs and processes. To love someone is to love them fully where they are.  You have to feel them, and love them, embrace them where they are without judgment. Communication of needs is vital. Taking care of yourself is vital. Taking time to connect with just yourself is vital. Honoring each other and trusting is vital and accepting each moment, whatever it is, as a gift.

Now it’s my turn to hold space for this amazing being and I will and I am with love.

Life is a Dream

We like to celebrate life with adventures, because that is what life is.  We celebrated my son’s 7th birthday with a trip to the Maryland mountains. Many of our expeditions find us somewhere lost in nature; from swimming in the Chesapeake Bay, to exploring somewhere deep in the woods, floating in the waters of South Florida to hiking the Jaguar Preserve in Belize, drumming with the Garifuna of Hopkins Bay and snorkeling with the creatures near the second largest barrier reef. Life is a beautiful exploration.

His birth was an adventure, at 38 weeks I just could not birth in a hospital. I was determined, we were determined, to have a peaceful, natural birth. I had to find a home birth midwife stat and gather all my supplies to prepare for a VBAC water birth at home. 18 hours of labor I was able to get in the warm tub and work with him and my breath to birth him into this dream.

Seven years later I still remember that momentous day and amazed at how fast the time has gone and what an amazing being my son is. He asked to go camping, so we again, gathered our supplies for our celebration at 1300 feet. Nestled in the Mountains near Camp David, our site was at the highest peak. We set up camp, refueled and headed out on our evening hike.

photo 7

He truly is a wise old soul with a powerful loving heart and free spirit. He is a warrior for this world assisting the rebirth of humanity into a new way of being, a new dream waiting to be discovered in all hearts.

After our hike we got ready to snuggle into our new tent along with his sister and grandmother. It was peaceful, the birds singing us to sleep while they got ready to nest for the night. I got out my journal and asked if I could interview him about that last 7 years of his life.

Me: How have the last seven years been for you?

Son: Awesome! A very good experience. I have had to learn a lot and yeah…”

Me: Tell me about some of your experiences

(Laughing)

Son: I learned to talk and walk. I have learned how animals are different, how to ride a bike, swim. I learned to walk on water with my Daddy’s help.

Me: Do you remember when you came to Earth?

Son: I was first a star, then a dot in your belly and I grew into a human. Then I came out into a pool of water.

Me: How was that for you?

Son: It was like I was in the Bay swimming like a fish.

Me: How was it like to be a baby?

Son: When I first arrived I was a little scared.

Me: What were you scared of?

Son: I was scared of all the big humans.

Me: When were you not scared anymore?

Son: When you held me and fed me and you didn’t put me in the cage.

Me: You mean crib?

(Laughing)

Son: Yes.

Me: What did you like about being a baby?

Son: I did not get into any fights. I liked being outside and when you would take me on the snooze cruise.

Me: How did you feel about walking?

Son: It was impressive. It was my new talent!

Me: Did you like my homemade baby food?

Son: Kinda, mostly (laughing)

Me: They say 7 is a lucky number. How does 7 feel to you?

Son: It feels lucky to me!

Me: Do you have any goals or intentions this year?

Son: I would like to go to Florida, learn to play guitar and play some smooth jazz.

Wait! I am out of my mind. Ok – I am back. (laughing)

Me: What is the deepest thought you have had?

Son: To fly and visit the other side

Me: Have you been to outer space?

Son: No, I would like to go there on a rocket ship

Me: Do you fly in your Dreams?

Son: Yes!

Me: Where?

Son: I fly to the underworld and sometimes I stop to eat at the diner.

Me: What do you eat at the diner?

Son: Salad, deviled eggs, they have spring water and honey and peanut butter sandwiches.

Me: If you had a message to share with the world what would it be?

Son: Please stop hurting your Mother (Earth), do good things for each other and share. Love each other and remember that life is a dream.

There was a light rain that tapped on our tent during our slumber, a dream within a dream. In the morning, my son was the last one to wake up, when he did we sang him happy birthday and he said, “I am awake in my dream!”

Love’s Acceptance

I’ve been shown Love, unconditional and true, so why, my dear, am I so afraid of you?

You see, I Loved with all my heart, only to be stripped bare, laying naked, discarded, filled with disappointment and despair. I’ve seen the pure hearts only to be fooled by the mind — that what I longed for was hiding deep inside.

It was buried beneath betrayal, lingering with the lies, wrapped up as abandonment, and violation of my thighs. These are old stories that have taken root in my heart and mind, so it’s foreign to me to be treated so kind.

To be honored with such reverence, compassionate and true, holding space for all my storms and sunsets too.

You’ve witnessed my journey and supported every step, you’ve held me in your wings, my dear, you have never left.
You’ve been here all along, rooting me all the way, and then one day you arrived so I could see your face someday.
You washed away my fears, so that I could see what I have been looking for was the love that was me.

The acceptance of myself, my deserving tender heart…

A memory of healing that will never part.

Gifts of the Sea

I’ve been in the kitchen peeling away layers,

Laying down and unraveling my heart strings.

I have come face to face with the devil

Only to hold the hands of Jesus.

I’ve been intimate with the darkness

Only to appreciate the sun

And the light that unites us as one.

In the ocean of emotion I am tested.

Do I surf the waves or get caught in the undertow?

There is something to be said about battling illusion

And walking through fear.

I have always felt the depths of ocean

Only to find greedy pirates.

They shared their treasure alright

Only to realize I had a treasure all my own.

As I rise from the abyss I feel so free

Then another current surprises me.

I could fight it or I could float through the sea,

So see what other gifts await me.

Sometimes, I’m scared but I float through the night

Only to see your face in the morning light.

Love is the Way

Life shows us what we need to see as a gift to open and expand our hearts and minds. Last night, offered me amazing gifts.

I will not live in a man-made prison.

Fear is a killer.

Stress is a killer.

Resentment is a killer.

We are born to be who we are.

Denying our purpose is a killer.

I do not fear death.

I fear a life not lived in the ocean of love and freedom.

People live in fear of so many things, afraid that life will crush them is they open their tender hearts to wide and experience the vastness of this amazing experience we call life.

Crush me open, even more, again and again, so I do not suffer the torment I witnessed last night.

Compassion is key.

Kindness is key.

Forgiveness is freedom.

Love is the way.

love.life.now.

It’s gone in a blink.

Love Lessons

It feels strange to be writing a thank you note to some that will not see it and to the many that I could not possibly address individually. I sit in awe and gratitude as I can see how everyone and experience has been such an intricate part of my current existence and growth. There is gratitude for family and friends for their love and support during all of my ups and downs. For the kind strangers that pass on by or the ones that stay awhile; there are gifts in every exchange. For the angry beasts and the creatures that sting, I thank them all.

Tonight I want to thank some of the men that have crossed my path and have made a significant impact on opening my eyes, heart and soul and have been part of an empowerment process and realignment. I would thank them each individually and in some cases I have, but this is truly significant to the evolution of me.

I have stated many times that every relationship we have is a love lesson. Whether it be with a relative, friend, stranger or lover, but most importantly with ourselves.

I thank my father, for being part of my creation, even though we have not been close, I know he has loved me in his way. I expected more from him and did not understand for the longest time why he could not be what I wanted. They say you pick your parents and I have begun to discover why I picked this man as my father. I have learned acceptance, compassion and that love is alive even in distance.

I am grateful for a man who spent half his life and created two earth angels with me. At a cross roads he said to me, “You deserve to be happy. I can’t hold you back and I will always be here for you.” He taught me that even great change and letting go of great plans, love still lives, even when it changes form.

I am grateful for an old friend, that woke me up with one question that forever changed my life. He walked me to the fire and watched me walk through it. I learned that once a person touches your heart, they are always with you. Love never dies.

I am grateful for a stranger that became a profound teacher and friend, who challenged me like no other, broke me wide open to see who I really am. He held a sacred space for me to fight my demons, break old patterns, unlock the chains and find the power within myself again. He brought me to the edge and taunted me to fly.

I am grateful for an international journey, discussions over tea, adventures in a black cab, long talks through the forest and a tenderness and passion I have never known. He showed me the stars, limitless possibilities and encouraged me to travel where I needed to go.

Thank you, my loves, for all the lessons that brought me back home.

We all have our journeys unique to us.

Our love lessons are what we need to grow deep in love with the individual expression that we are.

My wish is that we all find love in each breath we take

In the arms that we hold

And the ones we let go.

In the end it’s about us.

The love that we are and share.

Sharing and giving with no expectations,

Holding on to nothing but an eternal memory of endless love.

 

The Destination

The moment our eyes open and we leave the warm womb we have been transported to a new world.

This journey has begun.

As we go through our life we are offered countless experiences that shape us and create the world that we live in. We hear stories, create stories and begin a storage of beliefs that can either open us up to possibilities or limit our existence. We learn to listen to others, do what we are told, do this, follow that. We constantly go on looking at this road map waiting to get to the final destination in the hopes that when we get there everything will be perfect, blissful and worth all the pain, strain and heartache that you have found on this interstate.

There are many that believe when we leave this earth we go to heaven?

Maybe we do.

Maybe we don’t.

Maybe we return as a rabbit.

Let me show you my magic hat as I attempt to pull a rabbit out for you and offer some thoughts that may change the direction you take as you review your travel plans.

What if the journey never ends?

Suppose there is no final destination.

The only thing we have is the journey and it’s up to us to create what we desire.

The future as we imagine it is not guaranteed and the past is just a fuzzy Nick and Nite rerun in your mind.

We do not live in the past.

We do not live in the future.

Our destiny is the destination of each moment.

Your journey takes you to many destinations.

It’s our heart and mind that guide us. That is our GPS, but do we listen?

Image

If we do not like our current destination what do we do?

Who do we call to change the reservations that we have made?

Close your eyes.

Take a breath.

Where do you want to go?

In that moment we open our eyes to a new world.

A new destination.

Our thoughts and perceptions can help or hinder our travel plans.

Where do you want to go?

Heaven or hell, peace or chaos is built into your dashboard.

It just depends what you choose to see out of the windshield of your mind.

My suggestion is to eliminate cruise control so that you can make choices in awareness.

Know where you want to go.

You can get there when you clean out the old debris from the past off road experiences.

If you choose to take to the sea and sail, don’t fight the wind or the currents. Flow with it.

In each moment a new beautiful destination awaits you.

You bought the ticket.

Enjoy.

Shattered

We are all unique.

We have our own hearts, our own wings and our own two feet. I don’t care what you look like, how much money you have or what you do for a living. I don’t care if you are Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Atheist or Hindu. I care if you love others unconditionally and if you are kind. I care if you help those in need, support those in suffering and celebrate the beautiful diversity of the people of this earth and walk around with a loving mind.

There is so much division —

so much hate —

so much suffering.

Why?

It’s exhausting to defend my true nature. To fight the projections, misconceptions and false ideals people put upon me.

I will no longer waste my energy on it.

Those that know my heart value me and my existence.

My life is my message.

I may not belong to your church or believe everything you believe.

I keep it pure.

I keep it simple.

I don’t need a temple for I walk in my own.

I don’t need a church for earth is the sanctuary that I roam.

I believe in the love of every creature and I do my best to share the love that I am. So cast your judgements and throw your stones and remember that I am but a reflection of you. And when you shatter that mirror with your anger and hate, when the glass breaks and the illusion is gone…

What will you have left?

I Feel Your Pain

I feel your pain

I feel your pain.

You’ve been hurt.

We all have.

You carry your pain tightly, with a fierce possession as you mistake this as a necessity for future protection. You press the thorn back into skin in the mistaken belief this will hurt you less.

People say people grow through pain, maybe this is sometimes so. But through might be the right word and not holding onto it. Your pain makes you angry, fearful and hurt. It’s become who you are rather than something the true you experiences. You start to fear letting it go more than it hurts to hold it. It grows. It festers. It is a demon within.

Judgements follow.

Broad sweeping generalisations and simple approaches to life. Not simple in beauty but over simple narrow and blinded. Engaging in life becomes painful, so you don’t look deeply within. Your external view becomes as shallow as your internal one. Your no longer engaged with life. Your bitter and hurt. The demon is more you than you.

The dark shallowness of you is painful to me, because I see moment by moment potential thrown away.

Lest you think I’m saying in perfect, we all have our demons to battle, inside not without. But when you are offended by others, when they make to angry, when your immediate reaction is hateful to individuals or a group know that in that moment the demon has won. When he wins he takes a step towards hell.

You might not even notice because you probably feel your already there.

Written by A. Bear