Eternal Love.

He wakes me in the night.

I feel him although he is not here.

I hear him though there is no sound.

His arms hold me close as he whispers in my soul, ” I am here.”

Tears fall on my pillow.

I yell into the darkness, “No you are not!”

He replies gently, “I never left you.”

I yell some more.

I remember vividly when he left.

I remember each goodbye.

The war was raging and he had to go into battle on his own.

He gave me my freedom, yet I did not feel free.

Freedom was in his arms.

Freedom was the way our souls danced,

The way our lips spoke an ancient language each time they pressed against our skin.

How our bodies danced as One.

Freedom was being present and open to a sacred raging fire

That transformed us into nothing and everything

Until all that was left was

Love.

Many roads and lifetimes we have traveled.

I have let go of all the stories.

I have cleansed, cleared.

I have saged and burned

Yet there is a something that remains.

An eternal love.

One that cannot be defined.

One that cannot be caged.

One that is free to roam through all time, space and dimensions.

No matter how hard you try

You will not win this battle.

Love does not die.

 

 

The Gift of Space

Relationships are lessons of love. 

I have been blessed to have had a supportive and selfless partner. Undefined, unlabeled, semi-private, unordinary, deeply connected. It’s been an interesting dance as sometimes the mirror triggers as much as they reflect the deep compassionate love that exists.

We are both givers,  learning how to receive, learning trust, patience and acceptance. We are similar in many ways, but also have our differences and attributes that make us unique. I am more extroverted, he is more introverted. We are a walking, talking yin and yang. He has his life, I have mine and we have us.

Recently I felt him go into his cave. No notice, no explanation, no heads up. This is not something I am familiar with and triggered ever insecurity and irrational thought I have ever had in my life. I literally went into a tail spin. I was oscillating from attempting to be understanding to not understanding and finding myself in a full on rage. Trying my best not to take it personal.  But my GOD it felt personal to me. I was looking for signposts to prove my current thought process and realized I was in the middle of cycling out old stories and energies.

Something was up for both of us for healing.

He has done nothing but support me through every hill and valley. He has held space for me like a boss, when I thought for sure he was going to write me off. He was still standing every single time telling me, “I am here, this will pass…” I have never in my life experienced a presence like this.

Meanwhile in the man cave, he popped up for air once in awhile to say, ” I am still processing, I will be back soon.”

It’s been one of the most uncomfortable places in my life, but it has also been a gift. I went to some of my closest friends to vent and gleen some insight, something as I felt like I was in the twilight zone. I had two schools of thought running, but when I calmed down and tuned in I could feel the truth.

After talking to a close friend that gives it to me straight every single time, I just sat and sighed with tears rolling down my face. I really had to check myself and I had a realization that was not so fun to have either.

I was being selfish.

I picked myself up and dropped down into my heart and wrote him this note.

Love,
I feel like I have failed you.
You already know that this is extremely difficult for me, however, I am a resilient spirit. This is completely foreign to me. I do love and respect you and your needs as hard as it is for me not to feel connected or engaged with you.

I will honor your request for as long as you need.

I am feeling the intensity of all the feels, but not letting it cloud my deep gratitude and appreciation I have for you and everything we have experienced together, for all the times you have been there for me, supported me and held space for me, for the smiles, the laughter, the love and the passionate union and everything we have co-created. This has been a healing journey and not without struggle and pain, but I am grateful I have had you with me, because you have shown me love. It may not be what I thought it would look like, but a pure sweet unconditional love. I have to remember this is all happening for a greater purpose and it’s a wild fucking ride.

I needed some perspective, I wanted to understand so I could be in a better place to support you. I talked with a close friend of mine. And he pretty much smacked me in the face  when he said:

” I think you don’t love him as much as he loves you, and that you love your pain body more than him. I think you need to evaluate that completely, and focus on whatever light this wound has allowed to shine. He needed silence, you gave him noise. He needed distance, you gave him anger. He needed to go inward, you forced him outward. “

My heart sank and I am sorry. I have been selfish about all my needs not being met and I could not offer you this…initially.

My lessons have been patience, trust and acceptance.

Forgive me.

Sending love + support.

We are all different creatures with different needs and processes. To love someone is to love them fully where they are.  You have to feel them, and love them, embrace them where they are without judgment. Communication of needs is vital. Taking care of yourself is vital. Taking time to connect with just yourself is vital. Honoring each other and trusting is vital and accepting each moment, whatever it is, as a gift.

Now it’s my turn to hold space for this amazing being and I will and I am with love.

The Sacraments

sac·ra·ment
noun
a religious or spiritual ceremony or that is regarded as an outward and visible sign of inward and spiritual divine grace, in particular.

 

Baptism.
Communion.
Confirmation.
Reconciliation.
Anointing of the sick.
Marriage.
Holy orders.

We have all be initiated into the sacred journey of life. It is the ultimate Shamanic journey. We are Baptized into Being and along this long and winding road we come into Communion with Spirit. Through the illusion and the shadows of doubt we are ask to confirm what lives and breaths us. Throughout life we may betray our hearts and fall deeper into an illusion until one day we see the false life we have created come crashing down and we must reconcile with our own heart.

We have to forgive ourselves for being blind for so long. We may have suffered sickness and dis-ease from our disconnect from Life itself. The Dark Night of the Soul happens.

We Rise again.

We become the Anointed Ones.

The wounded healers.

The Sacred Marriage happens within us.

We celebrate the union of Spirit and Matter.

The physical and the non physical.

The masculine and the feminine.

The holy marriage of life itself, living and breathing in us, through us, as us.

The Holy orders have been given.

The Restoration of Heaven on Earth.

To Live as embodied Free Spirits

As C0-Creators working with the seen and unseen.

A relationship of Trust, Faith, and Love.

Within and Without.

Our Life is sacred, each breath a gift, each moment ceremony, each step a procession to express a Higher Love.

 

Life is a Dream

We like to celebrate life with adventures, because that is what life is.  We celebrated my son’s 7th birthday with a trip to the Maryland mountains. Many of our expeditions find us somewhere lost in nature; from swimming in the Chesapeake Bay, to exploring somewhere deep in the woods, floating in the waters of South Florida to hiking the Jaguar Preserve in Belize, drumming with the Garifuna of Hopkins Bay and snorkeling with the creatures near the second largest barrier reef. Life is a beautiful exploration.

His birth was an adventure, at 38 weeks I just could not birth in a hospital. I was determined, we were determined, to have a peaceful, natural birth. I had to find a home birth midwife stat and gather all my supplies to prepare for a VBAC water birth at home. 18 hours of labor I was able to get in the warm tub and work with him and my breath to birth him into this dream.

Seven years later I still remember that momentous day and amazed at how fast the time has gone and what an amazing being my son is. He asked to go camping, so we again, gathered our supplies for our celebration at 1300 feet. Nestled in the Mountains near Camp David, our site was at the highest peak. We set up camp, refueled and headed out on our evening hike.

photo 7

He truly is a wise old soul with a powerful loving heart and free spirit. He is a warrior for this world assisting the rebirth of humanity into a new way of being, a new dream waiting to be discovered in all hearts.

After our hike we got ready to snuggle into our new tent along with his sister and grandmother. It was peaceful, the birds singing us to sleep while they got ready to nest for the night. I got out my journal and asked if I could interview him about that last 7 years of his life.

Me: How have the last seven years been for you?

Son: Awesome! A very good experience. I have had to learn a lot and yeah…”

Me: Tell me about some of your experiences

(Laughing)

Son: I learned to talk and walk. I have learned how animals are different, how to ride a bike, swim. I learned to walk on water with my Daddy’s help.

Me: Do you remember when you came to Earth?

Son: I was first a star, then a dot in your belly and I grew into a human. Then I came out into a pool of water.

Me: How was that for you?

Son: It was like I was in the Bay swimming like a fish.

Me: How was it like to be a baby?

Son: When I first arrived I was a little scared.

Me: What were you scared of?

Son: I was scared of all the big humans.

Me: When were you not scared anymore?

Son: When you held me and fed me and you didn’t put me in the cage.

Me: You mean crib?

(Laughing)

Son: Yes.

Me: What did you like about being a baby?

Son: I did not get into any fights. I liked being outside and when you would take me on the snooze cruise.

Me: How did you feel about walking?

Son: It was impressive. It was my new talent!

Me: Did you like my homemade baby food?

Son: Kinda, mostly (laughing)

Me: They say 7 is a lucky number. How does 7 feel to you?

Son: It feels lucky to me!

Me: Do you have any goals or intentions this year?

Son: I would like to go to Florida, learn to play guitar and play some smooth jazz.

Wait! I am out of my mind. Ok – I am back. (laughing)

Me: What is the deepest thought you have had?

Son: To fly and visit the other side

Me: Have you been to outer space?

Son: No, I would like to go there on a rocket ship

Me: Do you fly in your Dreams?

Son: Yes!

Me: Where?

Son: I fly to the underworld and sometimes I stop to eat at the diner.

Me: What do you eat at the diner?

Son: Salad, deviled eggs, they have spring water and honey and peanut butter sandwiches.

Me: If you had a message to share with the world what would it be?

Son: Please stop hurting your Mother (Earth), do good things for each other and share. Love each other and remember that life is a dream.

There was a light rain that tapped on our tent during our slumber, a dream within a dream. In the morning, my son was the last one to wake up, when he did we sang him happy birthday and he said, “I am awake in my dream!”

Risen.

Go forth and multiply in consciousness.

The day will come when she will return, with him, and we rise together in harmony again. The second coming of Christ is the consciousness in the sacred hearts of all beings, the beloved sons and daughters of the cosmos.

The illusion is that we have followed the word that has been lost in translation. We have not followed in signs and symbols and the messages in plain sight. We have followed dogma and doctrine without questioning the origin or deeper meaning. We have not, until now,  followed fully on the true faith in our own hearts and personal experience. It has been taught for ages, yet not fully embodied because we have been fooled that this something is out there.

That something is right here, right now, living and breathing in you. You are the holy ghost incarnate in it’s physical essence. You are the heart, head and hands of the God + Goddess.

Do you accept that as you receive the holy breath that is the divine spirit. The energy unexplained. The essence that knows and guides and loves you so deeply. This, dear hearts, is you, made in the likeness and image.

Be still and know.

The heart-mind made manifest.

The fire in your belly, the breath in your being and the yearning in your heart is waking you up from a deep slumber.

It’s time to rise and shine beautiful hearts.

He said, “Follow me” meaning his example and leaving so many incredible clues to the alchemy that is Tantra. He was/is showing the way towards inner alchemy and the soul’s evolution through the seven gates (chakras), the emotional, mental and spiritual energetic bodies, uniting the feminine and masculine Christ (the sacred marriage) for the ultimate Self- Realization and hu-man ascension, here and now.

“For love is heaven, and heaven is love” ~ Sir Walter Scott

As Dale Allen Hoffman echos, “We are the one’s we have been waiting for.”

It’s time to find your soul, mate.

We are the creators and the destroyers. We are on the Rise to restore our holy heaven known as Earth.

 

The Divine Garden

And the day will come when the earth with shake and the rain will fall. You will feel her, the energy, the holy spirit move through you and all things and you will shake. As the rain falls you will release purifying tears from your eyes that will help you see the truth of your being and this creation.

The Garden of the Divine (GOD) is blooming once again before our eyes.

Tend to your inner garden, nurture the soil of the soul, and use the weeds for medicine to awaken your senses. Beloveds, bite into the  sacred apple of wisdom once again and see that this is not a sin, but a sacred symbolic gateway of divine responsibility.  It is divine nutrition. Each fruit bears seeds of consciousness. With proper care and responsibility we shall all bloom once again in the Garden of Eden.

Earth is our Eden.

Welcome Home.

Welcome Home.

Love’s Acceptance

I’ve been shown Love, unconditional and true, so why, my dear, am I so afraid of you?

You see, I Loved with all my heart, only to be stripped bare, laying naked, discarded, filled with disappointment and despair. I’ve seen the pure hearts only to be fooled by the mind — that what I longed for was hiding deep inside.

It was buried beneath betrayal, lingering with the lies, wrapped up as abandonment, and violation of my thighs. These are old stories that have taken root in my heart and mind, so it’s foreign to me to be treated so kind.

To be honored with such reverence, compassionate and true, holding space for all my storms and sunsets too.

You’ve witnessed my journey and supported every step, you’ve held me in your wings, my dear, you have never left.
You’ve been here all along, rooting me all the way, and then one day you arrived so I could see your face someday.
You washed away my fears, so that I could see what I have been looking for was the love that was me.

The acceptance of myself, my deserving tender heart…

A memory of healing that will never part.

Gifts of the Sea

I’ve been in the kitchen peeling away layers,

Laying down and unraveling my heart strings.

I have come face to face with the devil

Only to hold the hands of Jesus.

I’ve been intimate with the darkness

Only to appreciate the sun

And the light that unites us as one.

In the ocean of emotion I am tested.

Do I surf the waves or get caught in the undertow?

There is something to be said about battling illusion

And walking through fear.

I have always felt the depths of ocean

Only to find greedy pirates.

They shared their treasure alright

Only to realize I had a treasure all my own.

As I rise from the abyss I feel so free

Then another current surprises me.

I could fight it or I could float through the sea,

So see what other gifts await me.

Sometimes, I’m scared but I float through the night

Only to see your face in the morning light.

Sacred Initiation

A Goddess came to visit offering an invitation,

An initiation of Sacred Rites.

She had been preparing me for lifetimes and today was the day.

Tears flowed down my face as I had visions from the past greet me in present time.

She delivered a gift,

A Beloved to greet me,

Offering a presence of great magnitude.

A baptism enveloped with healing hands and sacred oil,

Anointing me

Blessing me

And honoring the Goddess that had long been forgotten.

With each mindful touch,

Stroke and caress

Offered great reverence,

Compassion,

Love and respect.

In that moment,

I remembered

Who I AM.

I AM Sacred.

I AM a Goddess.

I AM back.

I Wait

The naked trees, the soft rain, a mirrored reflection.
Stripped bare only to feel the elements of the heart.

She speaks in the wind and dances with the limbs of existence.
Wanting to grasp onto something that is fluid, yet constant.

She dances.

In the wind
In the rain
In the snow.

The heart knows.

It guides her sweet soul
To a place so familiar, yet unknown.
There is the seen and unseen.

She sees it, feels it.
She remembers.

Gravity pulling
Heart knowing
Tears falling

Into a dark expansive hole.
Yet feels the radiance on the horizon.
She’s been told to wait.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

It’s there.

Just wait.

Feel the rain
Feel the sun
Dance in the wind.

Feel me there.
I feel you there.
I wait.